Understanding..... where is it?

This blog has been a long time coming. It's not because I don't have enough to type about. I have loads, but I get too upset to talk about this subject most of the time.
Lately, it has been extra difficult. I don't mean talking about it, I mean living it - day by day.
Unless you are reading this blog you will have no idea how difficult it is for me to live with this. yer, figure that out.

One of the problems I face with this condition, and it's becoming more apparent as he gets older, no one actually 'knows' he has a problem. Well, that's not exactly accurate. They can see something is wrong. By that I mean, they see a child with bad behaviour, not socialized properly, out of control and rude. The problem is me and that naughty child.
I wish sometimes he could have a label on his forehead - I have Dyspraxia. At least then it might rouse a little understanding.

He does look normal and in some instances he acts like a normal little kid... and then suddenly he loses it. He becomes erratic and incomprehensible - suddenly he's turned insane.

I'm not sure his teacher is going to be there for his best interests this year. There were such good reports about her. Sure she might be great with kids but with parents - me- she's failing. A little example of lack of communication, there is a reading chart in the room and each child gets a sticker every morning if they have read their book the night before. right... did I know about this chart? I did not know. He cannot tell me things like this. I accidentally found out about it. Sadly, he was lacking in stickers. We have been reading every night, but I didn't know you had to get your book signed by the teacher. I felt sad for him. Of course, I feel I let him down. Anyway, that's just a small thing. I have to try harder and that's another problem I'm facing. Getting organized.
I can say this here, because I think only one person I know is reading this. But this last week has been hell!! I've never felt so numbed and deeply upset in a long time. I can only walk away before I get charged with something.

I need to get to his doctor and find out if he needs more meds or anything really.

I'm surrounded by crap. I have a mother who clashes with my son, simply because she can't deal with his behaviour. There is an ex, who since having to officially give me money, now thinks he doesn't have to contribute to ANYTHING, and thinks I should pay half for all the things that he wants to do with him. I'm also dealing with having no care for my son whilst trying to work, so that means I have hours all over the place. and other stuff, but I've finished my rant.

Yer, I love him, don't worry. I'm just tired of being angry. I said to him, I don't want to be yelling anymore, I don't want to be mad. I want to be happy, I want to laugh with you. So... he remembers and later on he hugs me, says he loves me, and with his fingers he tries to make me smile. I know he doesn't want it to be the way it is either. All the while I try not to cry.

I feel better now.