Last year was a great year for us. Although tiring; I worked alot and did not have much time to put into Caleb and his schooling. He did well though. His teacher was amazing - we were so lucky this year. But next year he will be losing the teacher's aid he has had since kindy. It's quite sad, for me especially. I'm not sure if Caleb understand it yet. It might not hit him till he starts school next year. The Teacher's Aid is not his as such, but the other special needs child in his class. Caleb has been with this girl since kindy, and they are more like brother and sister! It's quite cute to hear them talking together. It is unusual for children to be in every year of school together, so it's interesting to see them interact.
Caleb won the Book Award for his class for the year!! His teacher was so kind, and I am so proud of him. He was shocked by the award, and extremely proud and happy. The best part, he said, was when the teacher put her arms around him in an embrace. So lovely!
He is also reading alot more, so I need to cultivate that. It's hard for him to find books that he is interested in, but he is great at reading the Wii game instructions and the things on the net that interest him -- lego, garbage trucks. I have discovered that the best way to get a child to read is find material that interests them.
Something on the side; There are hundreds (not exaggerating) of youtube clips of garbage trucks. Every sort and all over the world. I'm flabbergasted! unbelievable. People actually record their local garbage truck picking up their rubbish. And my son goes nuts for these clips. I really think he will be a garbage collector -- he even asked me if he could go and sniff our rubbish bin??!! what on earth?! this was after I said what goes into rubbish and what happens to it (decay) erh!
Now the holidays are on; 8 (?) weeks off school. It is trying, because I am working. Caleb needs to be occupied and he likes to go out. It is hard for him to play on his own. That is the biggest problem I've found with dyspraxia; his inability to make-believe, roleplay, well just make games up. He is starting to talk to himself -- but he needs to follow an example. He needs me to play with him, so he can learn how to play. He needs to be shown everything, quite literally.
This holiday his doctor said it would be best if he came off the medication for a week. Arh! Frightening really. I had on a couple of occasions given him the tablet later to see how he was -- he was hyper and could not listen, and would just laugh endlessly, and jump on the furniture. He has gone to his father's to stay without medication. So perhaps that will be more successful. He is away for a week... so I miss him. I hope the transition time won't be too painful. I think it's the longest he has been away.
My hope for this year; Get Organized with Caleb. Have a focused homework time! Spend more time with him -- playing, and going out. I'm looking forward to that.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Enjoy Him!
My last blog was far too angstful and that bothered me. I'm sorry it was like that. I think used my blog as a way of spewing forth my problems and anxieties into cyberspace. I don't think that is right. So I'm going to attempt to change that. Be more uplifting - more cheerful.
Caleb had his 8th birthday on the 13th August. He has been excited all week. Me telling him he was having a week long birthday didn't help. hahaha. He had a party on Sunday, and we went to a laser tag center with a bunch of boys. He had a day off school on his birthday and he had a party with his dad on Saturday. phew! He's been 8 all week, and he's been receiving presents all week. He has told me every day this week. "I am 8" he is a big boy now, so he tells me.
When he goes up a year I get sentimental. I expect that's normal. I start telling him about when he was born and how he was in mummy's tummy. It also brings it back for me too. Giving birth to a ten week premature baby is an event engrained on my memory. Although I forget how small he really was. He weighed, 1.2kilos. so small and I wasn't able to hold him until he was at least a week in the humicrib. What a hard strange week that was, actually the whole time I was in hospital was a surreal experience.
I left hospital but Caleb had to stay. It is a difficult thing to come home without your baby. Then I had to travel to hospital to see him and give him my expressed milk. Finally he came home, at 7 weeks old. Life became even more difficult as I was having relationship problems with his father.
Now, after Caleb was home for 6 days he fell ill. Very ill. I took him to the doctors - he said go home. On the way to the car Caleb stopped breathing. The whole of heaven heard my prayers that day. 'Please God, don't take my baby. I need him more than you do.' I breathed into Caleb's mouth. thank God, he breathed again. I ran up to the doctors - crying, shouting. They took him, he was limb. He stopped breathing again. RED alert sounded in the doctors surgery. Doctors ran from their rooms, leaving their own patients. Caleb only needed one doctor, but they all came. Meanwhile I stayed in another room - fearful, praying, hoping.
An ambulance came. The paramedic carried this tiny limb form - his little singlet torn down the front - in his hands so carefully through the surgery. A miniature oxygen mask covering his whole face. I followed, numb. At least he was breathing.
A wonderful thing. The hospital was 2 minutes down the road. Straight into emergency we went. He was laid on an adult stretcher bed, right at the top. He was surrounded by nurses and doctors. I watched the nurses face as she pumped the bag over Caleb's face. She shared a look with the doctor who was working on getting Caleb on the ventilator. He knew what she was trying to say - He had stopped breathing (again) I knew! He said just keep pumping the air. The doctor watched his chest. He breathed again.
I was very calm. It was in God's hands. He was in God's hands. I was resigned to that. And in that I had peace. I was either going to be Caleb's mother on earth, or I would be his mother in heaven. I think that's when I came back to God for real.
Caleb had viral meningitis. He was in an isolation unit for 12 days. He had seizures and he got very thin. I stayed in the hospital in the rooms for parents with sick children. He lived. There were so many outcomes that could have happened. He could be blind and deaf. He isn't.
We had an amazing Scottish Doctor. I wish I could remember his name, but I remember what he looks like. My memory of that time was foggy at best. All I recall is the hospital and life there. He was a wise doctor in so many ways, and having him was a blessing in itself. I remember asking him, toward the end of our stay when Caleb was better, How was I going to look after this little baby? What if he gets sick again?
and his wonderful advice was - Enjoy him! and that is all you need do. Enjoy the ups and downs, enjoy him growing, and don't get caught up with worry. The time is fleeting. He will never be this baby again - ever.
Caleb will never be this boy again. I get tears when I think of this. I will (god willing) have Caleb into eternity, but I will never have this boy again. Never hold his little body, never hear his boy voice, see him play his child games. His innocence. I'm getting sad thinking about this.
We must enjoy our children! I think there is a wonderful blessing awaiting those parents (in Christ) who have lost children. I don't think it's visible on this earth,(the pain is great) but it is something that waits for them in eternity.
For Caleb, my dear little boy, a miracle through and through. You have great purpose in this life of yours.
I'm sorry I'm quite sappy this week! Thanks for reading through all of that. :-)
Caleb had his 8th birthday on the 13th August. He has been excited all week. Me telling him he was having a week long birthday didn't help. hahaha. He had a party on Sunday, and we went to a laser tag center with a bunch of boys. He had a day off school on his birthday and he had a party with his dad on Saturday. phew! He's been 8 all week, and he's been receiving presents all week. He has told me every day this week. "I am 8" he is a big boy now, so he tells me.
When he goes up a year I get sentimental. I expect that's normal. I start telling him about when he was born and how he was in mummy's tummy. It also brings it back for me too. Giving birth to a ten week premature baby is an event engrained on my memory. Although I forget how small he really was. He weighed, 1.2kilos. so small and I wasn't able to hold him until he was at least a week in the humicrib. What a hard strange week that was, actually the whole time I was in hospital was a surreal experience.
I left hospital but Caleb had to stay. It is a difficult thing to come home without your baby. Then I had to travel to hospital to see him and give him my expressed milk. Finally he came home, at 7 weeks old. Life became even more difficult as I was having relationship problems with his father.
Now, after Caleb was home for 6 days he fell ill. Very ill. I took him to the doctors - he said go home. On the way to the car Caleb stopped breathing. The whole of heaven heard my prayers that day. 'Please God, don't take my baby. I need him more than you do.' I breathed into Caleb's mouth. thank God, he breathed again. I ran up to the doctors - crying, shouting. They took him, he was limb. He stopped breathing again. RED alert sounded in the doctors surgery. Doctors ran from their rooms, leaving their own patients. Caleb only needed one doctor, but they all came. Meanwhile I stayed in another room - fearful, praying, hoping.
An ambulance came. The paramedic carried this tiny limb form - his little singlet torn down the front - in his hands so carefully through the surgery. A miniature oxygen mask covering his whole face. I followed, numb. At least he was breathing.
A wonderful thing. The hospital was 2 minutes down the road. Straight into emergency we went. He was laid on an adult stretcher bed, right at the top. He was surrounded by nurses and doctors. I watched the nurses face as she pumped the bag over Caleb's face. She shared a look with the doctor who was working on getting Caleb on the ventilator. He knew what she was trying to say - He had stopped breathing (again) I knew! He said just keep pumping the air. The doctor watched his chest. He breathed again.
I was very calm. It was in God's hands. He was in God's hands. I was resigned to that. And in that I had peace. I was either going to be Caleb's mother on earth, or I would be his mother in heaven. I think that's when I came back to God for real.
Caleb had viral meningitis. He was in an isolation unit for 12 days. He had seizures and he got very thin. I stayed in the hospital in the rooms for parents with sick children. He lived. There were so many outcomes that could have happened. He could be blind and deaf. He isn't.
We had an amazing Scottish Doctor. I wish I could remember his name, but I remember what he looks like. My memory of that time was foggy at best. All I recall is the hospital and life there. He was a wise doctor in so many ways, and having him was a blessing in itself. I remember asking him, toward the end of our stay when Caleb was better, How was I going to look after this little baby? What if he gets sick again?
and his wonderful advice was - Enjoy him! and that is all you need do. Enjoy the ups and downs, enjoy him growing, and don't get caught up with worry. The time is fleeting. He will never be this baby again - ever.
Caleb will never be this boy again. I get tears when I think of this. I will (god willing) have Caleb into eternity, but I will never have this boy again. Never hold his little body, never hear his boy voice, see him play his child games. His innocence. I'm getting sad thinking about this.
We must enjoy our children! I think there is a wonderful blessing awaiting those parents (in Christ) who have lost children. I don't think it's visible on this earth,(the pain is great) but it is something that waits for them in eternity.
For Caleb, my dear little boy, a miracle through and through. You have great purpose in this life of yours.
I'm sorry I'm quite sappy this week! Thanks for reading through all of that. :-)
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
When I'm Tired...
... I can't cope very well with my son.
We have just finished two weeks of school holidays. Caleb was with me for the first week, and with his dad for the second week. We haven't done this before, but it worked out well. I threw myself whole-heartedly into the break. I was alittle sad, but like I always say, make the most of the time. The time went so fast I didn't even do everything I wanted to do... what with, putting Caleb's desk together, getting my car serviced, and working... damn. not enough time.
but like I was saying about being tired... Caleb is waking up at 5.30am. sigh. I do not naturally wake up at this time. So what happens, he comes into me in 10 minute intervals, asking me if he can play the Wii, or asking me to look for a toy, or telling me to get up. I yell at him to go back to bed and shut the door - play quietly. yeah right, for all of 10 mins if that. He forgets what I've said, and he lacks any reasoning abilities and so in he trots. And I lay in bed hoping I might go back to sleep, but really I don't go back to sleep; I lay there getting angry and frustrated. How do you get an early riser to sleep in? - seriously
Caleb has to take a toy to bed with him. It's not a normal teddy like most kids. He takes hard plastic toys, and usually with pieces that fall off, eg. lego, ben10 aliens. He has to hold the toy in his sleep. So what usually happens is, he drops the toy in the night - or the thing has lost its head or something like that - and he cries out for me and I have to find the thing for him. It seems crazy, but he won't settle until he's holding the toy again. I'm half asleep feeling around the bed, and sometimes I have to turn the light on and look over the sides of the bed to find the stupid thing.
Also, he's been sleep walking. He comes out while I'm still up and he wonders around, and I don't know what he's doing... and I can't get any sense out of him. I remember sleep walking back then, a very weird experience.
and I get tired. And I hate getting mad and yelling before it's even 7am!
the only solution seems to be, getting up with Caleb. ugh!! but isn't that giving in? he's a demanding little guy and I don't like to give in too much. I don't know. Parenting is hard.
We have just finished two weeks of school holidays. Caleb was with me for the first week, and with his dad for the second week. We haven't done this before, but it worked out well. I threw myself whole-heartedly into the break. I was alittle sad, but like I always say, make the most of the time. The time went so fast I didn't even do everything I wanted to do... what with, putting Caleb's desk together, getting my car serviced, and working... damn. not enough time.
but like I was saying about being tired... Caleb is waking up at 5.30am. sigh. I do not naturally wake up at this time. So what happens, he comes into me in 10 minute intervals, asking me if he can play the Wii, or asking me to look for a toy, or telling me to get up. I yell at him to go back to bed and shut the door - play quietly. yeah right, for all of 10 mins if that. He forgets what I've said, and he lacks any reasoning abilities and so in he trots. And I lay in bed hoping I might go back to sleep, but really I don't go back to sleep; I lay there getting angry and frustrated. How do you get an early riser to sleep in? - seriously
Caleb has to take a toy to bed with him. It's not a normal teddy like most kids. He takes hard plastic toys, and usually with pieces that fall off, eg. lego, ben10 aliens. He has to hold the toy in his sleep. So what usually happens is, he drops the toy in the night - or the thing has lost its head or something like that - and he cries out for me and I have to find the thing for him. It seems crazy, but he won't settle until he's holding the toy again. I'm half asleep feeling around the bed, and sometimes I have to turn the light on and look over the sides of the bed to find the stupid thing.
Also, he's been sleep walking. He comes out while I'm still up and he wonders around, and I don't know what he's doing... and I can't get any sense out of him. I remember sleep walking back then, a very weird experience.
and I get tired. And I hate getting mad and yelling before it's even 7am!
the only solution seems to be, getting up with Caleb. ugh!! but isn't that giving in? he's a demanding little guy and I don't like to give in too much. I don't know. Parenting is hard.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Dyspraxia, does it get any worse....?
I really should not ask questions like that.... you never know what might happen
- now I've scared myself, because truly atm it's pretty bad.
I haven't the time to make this long, I'm too upset by my day.
Caleb's behaviour was out of control today. I never know what sort of day we're going to have. It's completely unpredictable. Although I can tell when he wakes up what type of mood he's going to be in. Today he was running into walls, and screaming as loud as possible, bouncing off the furniture is ok with him. sigh. He was unstoppable, unshutable, uncontrollable.
I am still battling the high pitched squealing and the swearing. He does at times tell me he is trying to stop it - and that is hopeful. At least he's aware it's a problem, but that's not all the time. Most times he laughs when I discipline him. He doesen't care he has toys confiscated or has to spend time alone.
To make this quick. What a joy taking Caleb to school. He's over the top with excitement - yes, he actually loves school (thank God for that) he runs in and yells out to a friend, which could be any child he sees, 'Hello doofus' and then it's onto 'stinky head' so kids are either getting upset or they're laughing in hysterics. Great start. I'm trying to talk to him about it. Fat chance of him actually listening. Then he's running around the class, banging his chair, hitting kids on the back. He is actually patting them, as you do to friends, but he can't regulate his touch. That's why he have cowering dogs. That's a whole different topic.
I quickly leave the class, before something really embarrassing happens.
After school today, he comes out of the classroom - squeals - and then throws on the ground at my feet, his bag, his drink bottle and his homework folder. Yes. Then he runs off, kicks his shoe - high - into the air, while I'm yelling at him to pick his bag up. While I'm telling him to stop, he's kicked the next one off. I'm fuming now! If there weren't witnesses he might be in the emergency department. As it was, I'm sure every parent is staring at me by now, all the parents with the well behaved child.
The teacher is watching from the doorway. Oman, I wonder what she's thinking. Most likely, 'I bet she beats him up later - I wonder if I should report her to the authorities.'
Anyway, I can't type about it anymore. I'm tired from crying.
It's got to get better some day.
It has too.
- now I've scared myself, because truly atm it's pretty bad.
I haven't the time to make this long, I'm too upset by my day.
Caleb's behaviour was out of control today. I never know what sort of day we're going to have. It's completely unpredictable. Although I can tell when he wakes up what type of mood he's going to be in. Today he was running into walls, and screaming as loud as possible, bouncing off the furniture is ok with him. sigh. He was unstoppable, unshutable, uncontrollable.
I am still battling the high pitched squealing and the swearing. He does at times tell me he is trying to stop it - and that is hopeful. At least he's aware it's a problem, but that's not all the time. Most times he laughs when I discipline him. He doesen't care he has toys confiscated or has to spend time alone.
To make this quick. What a joy taking Caleb to school. He's over the top with excitement - yes, he actually loves school (thank God for that) he runs in and yells out to a friend, which could be any child he sees, 'Hello doofus' and then it's onto 'stinky head' so kids are either getting upset or they're laughing in hysterics. Great start. I'm trying to talk to him about it. Fat chance of him actually listening. Then he's running around the class, banging his chair, hitting kids on the back. He is actually patting them, as you do to friends, but he can't regulate his touch. That's why he have cowering dogs. That's a whole different topic.
I quickly leave the class, before something really embarrassing happens.
After school today, he comes out of the classroom - squeals - and then throws on the ground at my feet, his bag, his drink bottle and his homework folder. Yes. Then he runs off, kicks his shoe - high - into the air, while I'm yelling at him to pick his bag up. While I'm telling him to stop, he's kicked the next one off. I'm fuming now! If there weren't witnesses he might be in the emergency department. As it was, I'm sure every parent is staring at me by now, all the parents with the well behaved child.
The teacher is watching from the doorway. Oman, I wonder what she's thinking. Most likely, 'I bet she beats him up later - I wonder if I should report her to the authorities.'
Anyway, I can't type about it anymore. I'm tired from crying.
It's got to get better some day.
It has too.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Our Dark Corner
I'm not sure if it's good or not as yet, but this blog seems to be a secret place where I get to talk about the difficulties in my life. Actually the more I consider it, the more I think it's probably a good thing that people don't read this. Honestly I don't want to go on about the sad areas of my life, but the thing is, Caleb and his social and behavioural difficulties is a big part of my life.
The first school holidays for this year are almost over, and it hasn't been too bad. If I wasn't working, we went out every day. Caleb is not one to stay at home. Every night he needs me to go over what we are doing the next day, and it needs to be repeated so he can remember. That's down to the details of what we do when we wake up the morning. When he wakes he asks me again what day is it and what are we doing that day.
Currently, I'm trying to curb Caleb's screaming. His loud outbursts are becoming unbearable at times, and pushes me to my limit. He knows it's annoying and unacceptable, but he's having trouble controlling his impulses. Due to his inability to communicate - especially when he's excited - is causing him to scream and squeal. Again it all comes back to him learning methods to communicate. He needs to learn some simple sentences he can use at all times to express what he's thinking/feeling. It's a slow process.
Another problem is the swearing. This is a big problem. The 'F' word is coming out in nearly every sentence. What is going on?! I know it's not me. I know who does swear, but that has been denied. I don't want to point fingers but where ever it's coming from it needs to be stopped or at least curbed. We have gotten bitches out of his language, but now he is saying fat arse! I can laugh about right now - and I do alittle - because it's so ridiculous. But when he's yelling it out, or he says it to his gran, it ain't very funny. Oh man! Sometimes he sounds like an old teenager, the way he swears. He doesn't even know what he's saying.
Then he starts saying God's name. How do you explain you shouldn't be using god's name - well at least not like that. Most likely he hears me saying God's name, and that's not as a swear word, but as a genuine cry of help! yes he probably hears that alot. Help me, God! Please help me deal with this child you gave me. You made him this way God - help me understand him.
And truly, it is happening. Things are changing for us and I have more hope now than I did before.
We have had a good holiday. I've noticed a change in Caleb. He's getting older. Recently he's become quite attached to his father. He misses him when he comes back to me, and he's been upset enough to cry about it. This is a first, he has never missed him like this before. It's been unsettling for me, I'm not sure how to deal with it. I expect it will only increase as he gets older and needs the company of a male more frequently.
I have to tell this funny story.... just cuz it's so silly. Cabe and I were at the Maccas drive through, and an Indian man, with an elaborate purple and red turban on with a huge gold broach, he also had a little goatee and moustache.
and Cabe screamed out - very loudly - 'A Genie!' and he pointed across the car, he really thought that's what the guy was.
I laughed a little and tried not to catch the poor man's eye and drove away quickly.
hopefully he was laughing. I laughed later.
heheheeee
The first school holidays for this year are almost over, and it hasn't been too bad. If I wasn't working, we went out every day. Caleb is not one to stay at home. Every night he needs me to go over what we are doing the next day, and it needs to be repeated so he can remember. That's down to the details of what we do when we wake up the morning. When he wakes he asks me again what day is it and what are we doing that day.
Currently, I'm trying to curb Caleb's screaming. His loud outbursts are becoming unbearable at times, and pushes me to my limit. He knows it's annoying and unacceptable, but he's having trouble controlling his impulses. Due to his inability to communicate - especially when he's excited - is causing him to scream and squeal. Again it all comes back to him learning methods to communicate. He needs to learn some simple sentences he can use at all times to express what he's thinking/feeling. It's a slow process.
Another problem is the swearing. This is a big problem. The 'F' word is coming out in nearly every sentence. What is going on?! I know it's not me. I know who does swear, but that has been denied. I don't want to point fingers but where ever it's coming from it needs to be stopped or at least curbed. We have gotten bitches out of his language, but now he is saying fat arse! I can laugh about right now - and I do alittle - because it's so ridiculous. But when he's yelling it out, or he says it to his gran, it ain't very funny. Oh man! Sometimes he sounds like an old teenager, the way he swears. He doesn't even know what he's saying.
Then he starts saying God's name. How do you explain you shouldn't be using god's name - well at least not like that. Most likely he hears me saying God's name, and that's not as a swear word, but as a genuine cry of help! yes he probably hears that alot. Help me, God! Please help me deal with this child you gave me. You made him this way God - help me understand him.
And truly, it is happening. Things are changing for us and I have more hope now than I did before.
We have had a good holiday. I've noticed a change in Caleb. He's getting older. Recently he's become quite attached to his father. He misses him when he comes back to me, and he's been upset enough to cry about it. This is a first, he has never missed him like this before. It's been unsettling for me, I'm not sure how to deal with it. I expect it will only increase as he gets older and needs the company of a male more frequently.
I have to tell this funny story.... just cuz it's so silly. Cabe and I were at the Maccas drive through, and an Indian man, with an elaborate purple and red turban on with a huge gold broach, he also had a little goatee and moustache.
and Cabe screamed out - very loudly - 'A Genie!' and he pointed across the car, he really thought that's what the guy was.
I laughed a little and tried not to catch the poor man's eye and drove away quickly.
hopefully he was laughing. I laughed later.
heheheeee
Monday, March 23, 2009
Understanding..... where is it?
This blog has been a long time coming. It's not because I don't have enough to type about. I have loads, but I get too upset to talk about this subject most of the time.
Lately, it has been extra difficult. I don't mean talking about it, I mean living it - day by day.
Unless you are reading this blog you will have no idea how difficult it is for me to live with this. yer, figure that out.
One of the problems I face with this condition, and it's becoming more apparent as he gets older, no one actually 'knows' he has a problem. Well, that's not exactly accurate. They can see something is wrong. By that I mean, they see a child with bad behaviour, not socialized properly, out of control and rude. The problem is me and that naughty child.
I wish sometimes he could have a label on his forehead - I have Dyspraxia. At least then it might rouse a little understanding.
He does look normal and in some instances he acts like a normal little kid... and then suddenly he loses it. He becomes erratic and incomprehensible - suddenly he's turned insane.
I'm not sure his teacher is going to be there for his best interests this year. There were such good reports about her. Sure she might be great with kids but with parents - me- she's failing. A little example of lack of communication, there is a reading chart in the room and each child gets a sticker every morning if they have read their book the night before. right... did I know about this chart? I did not know. He cannot tell me things like this. I accidentally found out about it. Sadly, he was lacking in stickers. We have been reading every night, but I didn't know you had to get your book signed by the teacher. I felt sad for him. Of course, I feel I let him down. Anyway, that's just a small thing. I have to try harder and that's another problem I'm facing. Getting organized.
I can say this here, because I think only one person I know is reading this. But this last week has been hell!! I've never felt so numbed and deeply upset in a long time. I can only walk away before I get charged with something.
I need to get to his doctor and find out if he needs more meds or anything really.
I'm surrounded by crap. I have a mother who clashes with my son, simply because she can't deal with his behaviour. There is an ex, who since having to officially give me money, now thinks he doesn't have to contribute to ANYTHING, and thinks I should pay half for all the things that he wants to do with him. I'm also dealing with having no care for my son whilst trying to work, so that means I have hours all over the place. and other stuff, but I've finished my rant.
Yer, I love him, don't worry. I'm just tired of being angry. I said to him, I don't want to be yelling anymore, I don't want to be mad. I want to be happy, I want to laugh with you. So... he remembers and later on he hugs me, says he loves me, and with his fingers he tries to make me smile. I know he doesn't want it to be the way it is either. All the while I try not to cry.
I feel better now.
Lately, it has been extra difficult. I don't mean talking about it, I mean living it - day by day.
Unless you are reading this blog you will have no idea how difficult it is for me to live with this. yer, figure that out.
One of the problems I face with this condition, and it's becoming more apparent as he gets older, no one actually 'knows' he has a problem. Well, that's not exactly accurate. They can see something is wrong. By that I mean, they see a child with bad behaviour, not socialized properly, out of control and rude. The problem is me and that naughty child.
I wish sometimes he could have a label on his forehead - I have Dyspraxia. At least then it might rouse a little understanding.
He does look normal and in some instances he acts like a normal little kid... and then suddenly he loses it. He becomes erratic and incomprehensible - suddenly he's turned insane.
I'm not sure his teacher is going to be there for his best interests this year. There were such good reports about her. Sure she might be great with kids but with parents - me- she's failing. A little example of lack of communication, there is a reading chart in the room and each child gets a sticker every morning if they have read their book the night before. right... did I know about this chart? I did not know. He cannot tell me things like this. I accidentally found out about it. Sadly, he was lacking in stickers. We have been reading every night, but I didn't know you had to get your book signed by the teacher. I felt sad for him. Of course, I feel I let him down. Anyway, that's just a small thing. I have to try harder and that's another problem I'm facing. Getting organized.
I can say this here, because I think only one person I know is reading this. But this last week has been hell!! I've never felt so numbed and deeply upset in a long time. I can only walk away before I get charged with something.
I need to get to his doctor and find out if he needs more meds or anything really.
I'm surrounded by crap. I have a mother who clashes with my son, simply because she can't deal with his behaviour. There is an ex, who since having to officially give me money, now thinks he doesn't have to contribute to ANYTHING, and thinks I should pay half for all the things that he wants to do with him. I'm also dealing with having no care for my son whilst trying to work, so that means I have hours all over the place. and other stuff, but I've finished my rant.
Yer, I love him, don't worry. I'm just tired of being angry. I said to him, I don't want to be yelling anymore, I don't want to be mad. I want to be happy, I want to laugh with you. So... he remembers and later on he hugs me, says he loves me, and with his fingers he tries to make me smile. I know he doesn't want it to be the way it is either. All the while I try not to cry.
I feel better now.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Intro
I thought it best to start a new blog just for this topic. Why not. There is so much to say on it. The previous post is the same as the one on my other blog, just to keep a record.
This should be fun and I look forward to posting everything that happens to me and Caleb.
thanks all.
This should be fun and I look forward to posting everything that happens to me and Caleb.
thanks all.
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